Who Needs a Sincere Heart if You Want To Be Bad
by daringu
Summary: Excel in her neverending quest of a kiss (or anything else) from her Lord Ilpalazzo. Short vignettes of the Quest in the 30 kisses themes.
1. look over here!

excel/ilpalazzo 30 kisses: **Who Needs a Sincere Heart if You Want To Be a Bad Girl****  
Author**: daringu  
**Rating**: All PG-13 to R, as Excel says, for things that are "mmmfffmm"**  
Notes**: these are manga based!

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**1: look over here**

Excel felt as if she had been spending long days, frantic evenings, racing centuries trying to pull his attention from whatever the hell it was he was doing, wherever the hell his mind always seemed to be, which was not on her. Really, really, he was in fact the supreme Lord Ilpalazzo and lord of her heart and soul, not to mention other unmentionable parts of her body, but when was the time when she would get a little attention? He had been speaking for over ten point five seven minutes now about some little power plant in the Fukuoka area and how important it was to the city. Excel was a patient and calm girl (if she tore the skin off the inside of her mouth from chewing it frantically that was only three times per day at maximum, okay, sometimes five, okay, do you have to push her? Sometimes, on very bad no good days for Excel being Patient, it was nineteen) and she knew how important the Conquest was but this speech was becoming a little much for her very very limited attention span. She started tapping her foot and stopped. She must be attentive to Lord Ilpalazzo. She must, must, must-

(a little idea, a seed really, planted itself into her head and it rooted into the pink mass of her brain quite quickly like these things normally do)

fly at him like a bird, lips puckered and ready to launch a surprise attack on the face of the figure who was not surprised at all, rather annoyed, and very rapidly reaching for a rope-

Only about two centimeters from her original position, she found herself surrounded by four very familiar concrete walls and the sensation of air gusting around her as she fell.

The Concentration Excel (it was a spawn of Angel Excel that carried a pencil and a pen and furiously scribbled down everything Lord Ilpalazzo said while sitting on Excel's shoulder) had lost for the fifth time this week.

(She had seen him three times this week which made out for on average a one and two thirds fall, that means attempted kiss or some other peccadillo, per ACROSS staff meeting.)

She hit the water, praying to her Supreme Lord with his marvellous hair and glasses and robes and plans for a quick trip back up to the sewers of Fukuoka.


	2. say ahh

excel/ilpalazzo 30 kisses: **Who Needs a Sincere Heart if You Want To Be a Bad Girl****  
Author**: daringu  
**Rating**: All PG-13 to R, as Excel says, for things that are "mmmfffmm"**  
Notes**: these are manga based!

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**18: say ahh...**

Elgara was drunk. Again. Excel would have been able to guess even if not for the rosy-red blush on her cheeks and the five sake bottles in the trash after she, Excel, had come home after a long and strenuous day of serving Lord Ilpalazzo.

Hyatt, of course, was passed out in a puddle of her own blood in the bathtub. With her clothes on and no water in the tub. Excel wondered about that one as she decided any use of the toilet would have to wait and admonished Elgara, who was on all fours on the ground -

"Drinking sake is bad and degenerate! It's also wasting our hard-earned money, and-"

Elgara's sweater was drooping off her shoulder again and she had that look in her eyes that scared Excel. Back, troops! Excel's brain ordered to her legs, and they scooted backward.

"This situation is very familiar! As much as Excel appreciates your efforts, Elgara, she would like to emphasize that she is ruthlessly Ilpalazzosexual and has never ever had homosexual inclinations!"

"Guess what?" Elgara asked, her voice a low rumble and her words slightly slurred.

Excel abruptly stopped waving her arms. "What?"

"Lord Ilpalazzo kissed me earlier."

Excel's jaw dropped open and she nearly had to fight back tears. Surely her devoted Ilpalazzo would never do such a thing! It was...forbidden! (Except for the case in which he really wanted to kiss someone else, which she couldn't imagine because Hyatt was mostly dead, and Elgara was a shameless drunken whore. Really.)

"So," Elgara said, crawling forward and beckoning Excel down to the ground, "-I know you wanted to kiss him, right?"

Excel Delegations designated Elgara "Piece of Poop" status and therefore decided with Elgara's newfound status as poop Excel wouldn't have to address her, because why would anyone need to talk to a piece of poop? She felt a tug on her shirt, though, and then cursed herself for looking down.

"You know, it would be an indirect kiss," Elgara said, and Excel's eyes automatically went wide. Almost subconsciously she found the little evil elves inside her body making her bend down slowly. Why was she forced to such desperate measures because of her love for Lord Ilpalazzo? Why?

Elgara pulled the collar of Excel's shirt slowly down until the two were face to face.

"Now say ahh..." she said, still slurred.

Ten minutes later Elgara announced she had been most definitely lying, and was promptly beaten into unconsciousness by Excel.


	3. news, letter

excel/ilpalazzo 30 kisses: **Who Needs a Sincere Heart if You Want To Be a Bad Girl**  
**Author**: daringu   
**Rating**: All PG-13 to R, as Excel says, for things that are "mmmfffmm"   
**Notes**: these are manga based! based on the 30 kisses theme challenge on livejournal. Each installment is stand-alone.   
**Spoilers**: Episode 21. Nobody said I couldn't randomly insert an anime character.

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**2: news, letter**

Excel was glad for the quiet. Elgara had found some extra money somewhere (part-time work, gambling, prostitution - all the same as long as it got her out of the house) and was out drinking, so she and Hyatt had a nice, Elgara-free afternoon to do the laundry. Well, when Hyatt was alive, anyway.

"Senior, have you heard?"

"Heard what?"

Dramatic music played out of nowhere; suddenly, Excel felt as if her entire composition had changed and she was skinnier, prettier and had much bigger eyes.

"What is that crappy music that sounds like an elephant had a bad run-in with a motorcycle?"

The door blew open with a perfumed wind.

"I'm back, ladies."

Excel gaped. It was him! It had seemed so long ago that the gorgeous, unwavering, pretty-boy band man had left ACROSS HQ after his mission was accomplished. He claimed he had stayed a week the first time instead of the actual five seconds needed to deliver the message because he had "needed time to gain the heart to sing". Excel thought in her secret little dirty heart of hearts that he had stayed so long because he wanted to collect as many women's souls as possible. And some mens' souls too, but she couldn't bear to think about that since she had already thought sacrilege against Lord Ilpalazzo and Key in that way and-

He was bending and kissing her hand. She nearly fell over at the impact of his lips to her hand, tips of soft blonde hair brushing against her hand and her fingers. (She would maybe have had that hand somewhere else if she could- no, sacrilege!)

He stood and smiled at Hyatt, flipping his hair back. Bubbles floated in the air.

"I'm so happy to be back to my angels for a short time. I have..." he paused, dramatically, "business to attend to in the city."

"Does it pertain to our Lord Ilpalazzo?" Hyatt asked, demure.

He put one finger to his lips. "I cannot say." He looked upward at the sky. "The gods of music are fickle. But I am glad to be here with my angels."

Excel couldn't even find words. "I-uh, do you, uh, need a place to stay!"

"Thank you."

_You are cheating on your precious Lord. You will burn for eternity for this_, a little voice said in a small corner of her mind, but a louder voice said Hey, He Doesn't Have To Know, Does He? You're helping out a person in need! That's right! And when the Revolution comes you will be helping everyone, though that has absolutely nothing to do with how Key's leaning in and looking like he's going to kiss you on the mouth-

Hyatt let out one shocked "Oh my". Elgara, newly freed of a good hundred thousand yen, stumbled into the doorway and dropped the half-full bottle of sake in her hand. It rolled and hit Excel's foot, but she didn't notice.

Excel would've taken a picture of Elgara's expression and said something snarky if her eyes weren't closed and her mouth open at that point.


	4. the space between dream and reality

excel/ilpalazzo 30 kisses: **Who Needs a Sincere Heart if You Want To Be a Bad Girl**

**Author**: daringu

**Rating**: All PG-13 to R, as Excel says, for things that are "mmmfffmm"

**Notes**: these are manga based! All are based on the 30 kisses theme challenge on livejournal. Each installment is stand-alone.

**Spoilers**: Volume 12. Kinda.

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**6: the space between dream and reality**

December 1. Tenmangu barely remembered to kiss his wife goodbye; he did it absentmindedly before walking out of the door of their pink house for the last time, his eyes unfocused. (It was said the pink had driven him slightly insane, but it was the only good house they could find in the area.)

The moment the door closed, Miwa put her hands to her face and ran out of the room. She barely came out of her own room for a month and when she did her eyes were continually red. The work continued to be done, as always: packages continued to arrive all over the world to her name and address.

The house servants took care of Goujo, who didn't understand what had happened. He thought his parents had been happy.

February 5. The kitchen door burst open just as one of the maids was setting some miso in front of Shioji; it was his mother, but...her hair. Was frizzy, and sticking out five inches from her head. She looked frantic, ecstatic, gleeful, and was singing. Very loudly. And off pitch.

"And the TEA WATER goes in the KETTLE, you know, and the thing also goes in the other thing with the stuff and the yeah-"

"Miss Shiouji?" one of the servants mustered. "Are you all right?"

"I am quite wonderful," she said, and hugged Goujo so hard into her chest he was introduced to breasts at a very early age. "So wonderful that I'm starting research at a new confidential super-special government project! And I won't be home very much, so take care of the kid."

They all stared at her as she poured herself an entire glass full of plum sake and danced out of the kitchen.

March 10. Shioji moves in with the Rengayas to help his uncle with research.

December 1. Excel, skipping down the Fukuoka streets, wonders where her son is. She hits herself in the head so she can clear it. Son? She doesn't have a son.


End file.
